Men also cry

Who said men don't cry? Sexism has been shaping human behavior, which it's a shame. Yes, I am not used to cry but my issues are not sexism. My pains from the past use to hold my tears until I cannot breath; I swallow all the anguish feelings to avoid myself falling down.

Think how horrible it is to get so sad and feel an invisible hand strungling you hard enough to don't let any tear come down. Or even when you are so happy that you want to show your gratitude but that same odd and not healthy strengh keeps strungling your heart.

The first time I cried rivers after years of ignoring my needs I was around 18 years old. I remember entering my bedroom and saw a huge spider with long legs next to the wardrobe. I was petrified - surprise, I have aracnophobia. I ran to the living room and started to cry a lot on the couch (and slept there that night). Just after the experience I have been crying anytime I watch something too sad or too beautiful, like the ending scenes of Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (I'm sure I'm the only person in world to get emotional by this movie). Even when some particular triggers reach me up I can't cry easily.

Something inside me has changed when I visit London in 2019. I was so light, so fearless, so free and happy that I cried for the whole month I stayed there, just for gratitude. Genuine gratitude. But when I backed home, I backed to close myself. However, my current days are getting better than ever.

I'm not touched yet, but my heart is. The Gingerbread man threw his spices over my heart. I still don't know how this happened being so far away or how I let it be. This is really crazy... I'm just writing this text and starting to cry because he makes me feel special (or something like that). Sorry, but I don't have words to express it. Just think about him and what he represents and my heart overflows through my tears. Does anyone there feels like that? Because I would really like to understand this... feeling. Why you do that to me?

Anyway... I was about to say that I am at the Gingerbread's orbit and don't wanna leave it. It sounds like a sin since we can't be together right now. It's a sin because we don't know each other, not in person at least. But it feels so good! I sent to him a four sheets handwriting letter and a deluxe book for his child within. In return, he sent to me a few things that made me cry when I unpacked the delivery (after I laughed like a maniac because I was too nervous). More than the gifts, specially the "Memories Book" I expect to fill it with our stories, the most beautiful present was his affection. His attitude is so rare and lovely that he could has sent me a brick and I would still love it.

I am not sharing all the details with anyone else except my mom because: a) I am pretty sure that I will be judged when I meet him and people will not understand my reasons; b) I am afraid to be so damn wrong if all my cries are only for hope... But I pray to the universe to change "h" and "p" for "l" and "v".